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:-) Questions and Answers for New Parents :-)
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate
position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists,
cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
10 Tips to Make New Moms Feel Good about Themselves!
1. Take a shower every morning
2. Take a walk.
3. Sleep whenever baby sleeps
4. Get a sitter once in awhile
5. Don't be afraid to accept help
6. Take time to choose the right doctor for you and baby
7. Beg, borrow or buy good baby equipment that will be convenient for you and comfy for
baby.
8. Socialize!! :-) :-) :-)
9. Give yourself credit, you deserve applause for all you do.
10. Indulge those loving feelings and cuddle your baby whenever you can!!
:-) Advice from Some Wise Children :-)
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
:-) Jokes for Mommies :-)
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but
she doesn't really care.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into
their stuff.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a
hamstring.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town that when you don't know what you're doing,
someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your
fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my
pantyhose on fire.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes
I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my
keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget
to eat.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative
but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the
six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"listen witch ... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they
marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse
buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
:-) "Go Mom Go" :-)
I eat standing up.
I drink leftover milk with graham cracker crumbs floating in it.
I eat the crusts nobody wants.
Once upon a time I had a stomach that didn't fall to the floor.
Once I had hips that didn't serve as a baby saddle.
Once I even had breasts that weren't on call 24 hours a day -- and "will
it show milk stains" wasn't my criterion for choosing an outfit.
If you emptied out my purse, you'd find: diapers (new and used), a plastic bag of
Cherrios, a leaky Tommy Tippy cup, a handful of napkins from McDonald's, a sandy pacifier,
a soggy piece of bagel, a bottle of baby Tylenol and a rectal thermometer.
You know me.
I'm bleary eyed from being up all night with a teething baby and teary-eyed
from worrying about a toddler that refuses to eat. I'm damp with baby drool,
and I have oatmeal in my hair. (I think my sweater's on inside out, but hey,
at least I'm dressed.)
I can't remember the last time I had a whole night's sleep.
The only book I've read in the past 6 months is "Good Night Moon."
I never get to finish a senten....
I love my husband, but (yawn) ... zzzzzzzzzz.
Don't ask me if I've seen any good movies lately. I have, if you count the Little Mermaid,
Pete Pan, and Cinderella.
I know all the names of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by heart, AND what color each of
them wears.
I say "Cowabunga, dude," when the pizza's delivered.
I used to be reasonably intelligent, pondering the deep secrets of the universe.
I spent many years in college preparing myself for the great challenges of life.
Now I find myself wondering such things as: If Bert and Ernie aren't related, why do
they sleep in the same room? And, where are their parents?
I remember when getting together with friends meant stimulating conversation
about current events, love and the meaning of life. Now we talk for hours
about the color of the contents of our babies' diapers. Should we go from breast to bottle
to cup? Skip bottles altogether? Which is better, cloth or disposable? Pacifiers or
thumbs? Know any good potty-training tips?
Maybe you've seen me at church. I'm the one with my skirt on backwards, or
the entire inner-facing of my dress hanging out. In my rush to get everybody else
dressed, I often forget to check my own appearance. (Oh, I want to thank you for not
laughing at my one eye made up and my other one bare. In the middle of doing my make-up,
someone emptied the flour canister onto the kitchen floor and I never got around to
finishing my eyes.)
I know you don't know my first name-- I don't have one anymore. I answer to my child
calling Mom, Mommy, Mama, or WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
To be honest, I don't even remember my first name -- I've stop using it myself. When
speaking, I simply refer to myself as, "Mommy." "Mommy says to stop
poking the cats ears." "Mommy's ears can't hear whining."
"Yes, Mommy's wearing her angry face."
"If you don't stop kicking Mommy, Mommy's going to lose it."
Maybe you saw me lose it one day in the Toys R Us parking lot. With one child kicking the
back of my car seat, and another one chanting "I wanna go to the park! I wanna go to
the park!" I lost it. Slammed on the brakes and ran out of the car screaming,
"Calgon take me away!" The kids still refer to it as "the time Mommy went
cuckoo."
But I have my good days, too.
Days when we get through breakfast without Cream of Rice on the wall.
Days when the cat doesn't end up in the toilet.
Days when everyone takes a nap at the same time.
On those days I feel powerful. In control.
On those days, I can do it all.
I am MOMMY, hear me roar.
I can nurse a baby and cook dinner at the same time.
I can nurse a baby, read a magazine,
AND tie shoes at the same time. I can even nurse a baby,
AND talk on the phone, AND fold laundry
AND watch Oprah all at the same time.
You know who I am.
I'm a Mommy.
And I don't even need an American Express card to prove it.
If you have any jokes that you'd like added to this page, please send them to webmaster@superbabyfood.com. Thanks!! :-)